I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.I Worried
by Mary Oliver
If there’s a poem to summon to the surface the realization that worry is of no use this would be it. Not that I’ve fully grasped that concept yet, it seems still there is always something to fret over.
Whether my taurean moon is stirring worry over money and bills or I leave the house certain I left the stove on. The eyes of many may close when we rest our heads at night, but the minds are another story. My head hits the pillow and that is where the real fun begins, the continual thought stream until the sandman’s magic dust forms a crust so thick I can’t help but drift away.
There is a light, a reprieve, sleep arrives and worries melt away and wander around our dreams. A new day, and a chance to let it all go, brush it off. As I meander through my mind, I wonder, is there any purpose to imagining the worst, focusing on the bad? I’ve never been one to ignore the gritty, less appealing details of life. Life is messy. Plants don’t grow in sunshine and rainbows, they grow in shit and darkness. Yet there is a balance, a line we walk along which crossed too often into fears allure causes dis-ease. Especially when fears bubble up in a selfish hungry manner. Stepping into the world beyond our thoughts takes courage, but more than that it takes connection. Living in our heads is boring after some time, there’s a whole big wild world out there beckoning us to just release and be vulnerable.
I’m happy when my mouth is on fire, when my heart is on fire, when my soul is alight. One worry has at least been squandered and that is not having any hot sauce. I’m slightly ashamed to say this bugs me, there’s something fundamental about always having hot sauce on hand. This recipe makes sooooooo much, you can give it away, hoard it for months or a little of both. It also makes a great marinade for pork or chicken, but be warned, very very spicy.
- 1 tsp coconut oil
- 2 large yellow onions, diced
- 10 garlic cloves
- 2 C carrots, diced
- 20-30 habanero peppers, stems removed
- 2 inch piece of fresh ginger, peeled and sliced
- 2 Tbs allspice berries
- 6 whole cloves
- 1 Tbs whole peppercorns
- 1 tsp coriander seeds
- 1 Tbs dried thyme or 2 Tbs fresh thyme
- ¼ C sea salt
- ⅓ C coconut sugar or raw cane sugar
- 3 C white vinegar or ACV
- 3 Tbs lime juice
- 2 C water
- In a large pot melt the coconut oil, add whole garlic cloves and brown on all sides.
- Add the diced onion and cook until translucent.
- Using a mortar and pestle or an electric spice grinder, combine allspice, cloves,peppercorns,coriander seeds and thyme, if using a mortar and pestle smash the ginger with the spices, if not, throw it in the pot.
- Add carrots, habaneros, salt, sugar, vinegar, water and lime juice. Cook until carrots are tender and puree until super smooth. Adjust thickness by adding more water until desired consistency is achieved.
- Makes a large amount (10 C) of hot sauce and lasts in the fridge for a long time.
